When Yes means No, and No means Yes.

As someone who is prone to saying yes far too often, I’ve been thinking about this whole Yes, No thing.

The truth is, I would bet that most of us are actually terrified of saying No.  I was. I still am, truth be told.

It goes against our desire to please others, to make everyone happy. We don’t want to be rude. We are afraid of conflict. We are afraid no one will love us anymore. There are so many reasons it is so hard to utter this one little word. 

So, all too often, we say Yes, when we really mean No.

And is that a full-hearted, I’m totally in, all hands on deck, kind of Yes?

Frequently not, says Rory Vaden, my new favorite anti-procrastination guru. It’s actually often a reluctant, unenthusiastic, uncommitted, half-hearted kind of Yes. Which really means it’s actually a Maybe.

Maybe I’ll get around to doing this thing I said I would do but don’t really want to do. Or maybe I’ll do it in a half assed kind of way, resenting it every step of the way. Or maybe I won’t even get around to it all.

Because that reluctant, martyred Yes, my friend, was not a real Yes.

And you know what else?

Every time we say Yes, we are actually saying No to something else.  Right?  If I do X, then I can’t do Y. If I volunteer for Z, I won’t have time for working on something else. Something else that might actually be far more important to me. Something that is actually moving me in the direction of my goals. Something I am passionate about.

But what if I just say No?  Not a reluctant “Ok, I’ll do it.” Not a half-hearted “Sure.” Not an unenthusiastic, “Well, I guess so.”  Just “No.”

Well then, a whole world opens up. I am now free to say Yes to that which my heart really wants to do. I can Yes to that quiet song that is singing to me. I can say Yes to what will set me free.

And the other thing?  We free up the person asking us to say Yes, to  find someone who really will say Yes.  So we help them to find what they really need. And that means someone else, who really did want to say Yes to that request, gets to say Yes. It’s really a Win-Win!

 Still scared of saying No? Tune in tomorrow and I’ll share some ideas on how to say No with grace (and without guilt).