A summer update: steps along the journey of caring for an elderly parent

We’ve noticed a shift in my almost 89-year-old mum in the last couple of weeks. Suddenly, she seems older, frailer. She’s feeling it too.  She talks more frequently about feeling like she’s on the way out. She expresses how she just can’t seem to find her energy, and doesn’t know who she is anymore. Her level of forgetfulness is definitely worsening. We have honest conversations about death, and choices. I give her lots of hugs.

Our visits to the doctor are getting more frequent. We’re investigating how her heart is functioning. A new round of tests and specialists. And in the midst of this, a move to a new care home this week. Her current place is just a bit too far from us, and it’s on a busy street, the sound of traffic bothers her. Her new home is only a few minutes away from us, with a lovely quiet back yard that looks out onto a field of beautiful trees. She finds so much solace and peace in nature. A lovely living room with the type of furniture that reminds her of home back in England, with a piano she can play.

It’s a big decision, the upheaval of a move when she is already frail, and has experienced so much change in the last six months since her husband died. And yet, in spite of how she is feeling, she is up for it, which gives me hope.

I spend time with my granddaughters, and watch them grow and change, delighting in the new persons they are becoming, and mourning just a tad the little girls they used to be. With my mum, it’s the opposite… she becomes more childlike, more dependent, and there is more mourning than delight in watching her change.  And yet, I remind myself, this is just the natural rhythm of life… and all I can do is be lovingly present for it, in whatever stage, and adapt to what is needed of me to support what is happening.

It’s a bit scary sometimes, to be so needed by her. I go away for a few days and she misses me terribly.  Tells me she feels like she can’t function without me, that I’m her other half. We have some short week-long trips away planned this summer, a dear friend’s daughter’s wedding in Boston, our yearly pilgrimage to the Yuba river. I worry a bit. Am I doing the right thing by going away? Can I, should I, do I want to, put my own life on hold? It’s hard to know… and so I take it one day at a time, being grateful for this bitter sweet time with her, loving her, being gentle with myself, and trusting that I will know what to do at each turn of the corner on this journey we are walking together.

Hovering on the brink of overwhelm

I’m flying to San Diego tomorrow morning for an afternoon of prep with my co-trainer Rosanna Balistreri, followed by a full day of training on Saturday, our inaugural workshop for CITA– our newly formed interpreter training collaborative. I’m trying to coordinate moving my mum to a new nursing home (another story), get her to a Dr’s appointment this afternoon, get a haircut, arrange for her visit to a cardiologist while I am gone, and of course, pack, do laundry, squeeze in a few important phone meetings, etc. And I’m writing a blog post!

Come to think of it,  I’m not on the brink, I am in overwhelm! What to do?

As always, my first response (after I let my shoulders down from my ears!) is to stop, sit back and take a few deep breaths.  It’s always amazing to me how such a simple thing can be so powerful. The list of tasks is still there. Nothing has changed in terms of what needs to be taken care of. Yet somehow, I feel calmer, more in control. Those few breaths give me the space to step back and examine what lies before me with a bit more perspective.

Whom can I delegate something to? What can I safely postpone? What absolutely needs to be done today? Maybe nothing will change, and it’ will all still need to be taken care of, by me, today. But the simple act of asking those questions gives me a feeling of relief, and choice. 

So my dear reader, next time you are hovering on the brink of overwhelm, or have actually gone over the edge, take a moment, breathe, and give yourself a bit of space to see what lies before you and make some empowered choices.

How do you balance your work and personal life?

Most of the time it seems as if we are squeezing in the personal in between our work obligations, but sometimes it is the other way around – personal takes precedence. It’s been one of those weeks.

Between my granddaughter’s first day of summer and my elderly mum having some medical and legal issues to take care, there hasn’t been a lot of work going on this week.

And you know what? I have decided that rather than stressing about it, it’s OK.  I’m blessed to be self employed and having the flexibility to manage my time and my work; we are a 2 income family and I’m not the only one paying the bills, in fact my hubby’s biz is booming. I realize that not everyone has the luxury of taking the time to take care of family when the need is there, or if they do, may face serious financial and employment consequences. So I am feeling very grateful.

Grateful to have been able to spend the day with my seven-year-old granddaughter reliving that magical feeling of  the expansive freedom of the first day of summer vacation, enjoying her day of skateboarding, monkey bars, puzzles and an ice cream treat.

Grateful to spend this time with my mum, helping her though the hurdles of aging, knowing that at 88, it’s really an unknown much time we have left with her. 

Work will always be there, but there are only so many first days of summer vacation, and only so many days to walk the path with an aging parent.

Just like a seesaw, sometimes one side is up, and sometimes it’s down and rarely is it perfectly poised in the middle. And that seems to be the way of things.

So here is my advice on a summer afternoon – trust your heart to lead the way, and at the end of the day, you will find that right balance.

A Spring Update: More musing on caring for an aging parent

An afternoon outing on Spring Lake

 It’s hard to believe it’s been almost three months since my recently widowed 88 year old mum made the journey from England to live in a small care home near us here in Northern California.

We’ve been finding our rhythm, settling into some kind of routine, where she spends at least 2 weekday afternoons and evenings with us, and much of the weekends. Yesterday was the first time I took a much-needed break and took the whole Sunday to go sailing in Tomales Bay with my hubby –pure heaven!

A little role reversal, her turn to push

What have I learned in the past months? Well, for starters, that when you are caring for an elderly parent, as much as you love them, you will go through the whole range of emotions – from enjoyment of their company to exasperation, from affection to irritation, from gratification to overwhelm, from fondness to guilt, from love to helplessness and everything in between.

But the best part? To realize it is all OK.  The whole gamut. It’s just part of the deal.

I guess kind of like raising kids – you adore them, and sometimes they just drive you nuts. But then they are so cute you forgive them anything and fall in love with them all over again.  The main difference is there‘s not always as much of a cute factor at age 88, though my mum can be pretty darn cute.

Another big lesson – the importance of self-care; of tuning into my own well-being regularly enough so that I can recognize the early subtle signs of burnout and the need to take a break. The need to balance my needs and hers, to find the ever shifting sweet spot of the right amount of time together and time apart, to learn that there is only so much I can do for another’s happiness, to know my limits. To discover that I can stretch more than I thought I could, to seek and find support from my family and tribe, and most of all, to feel gratitude to have the opportunity to return the loving care that she gave to me, all those years ago.

Are you caring for an aging parent? I’d love to hear your experience!

“Oh, how lovely!” More musings on caring for an aging parent

I am so fortunate to have my own business, to have a flexible schedule that gives me the freedom to take my mum here and there as we go about the business of setting up her new life here – the doctor, the bank, the lawyer, the optician, the chiropractor… we have our schedule of appointments and visits and excursions over to our house for tea, or a meal.  She checks her little diary where I write in what is happening at least 10 times a day, because appointment times are one of those things that seems to slip through her mind like water.

But sometimes, when I have a little unforeseen space in my schedule, I pop in on her unexpectedly. And always, the same response. A look of joyful surprise, a huge smile, and these words – “Oh, how lovely, I wasn’t expecting you, how lovely!”

And I think to myself, wow, what a blessing that simply my presence can bring another human being such joy. And then I wonder, in the end, isn’t that all we really need from each other? Our loving presence?

Who can you give the gift of your loving presence to, beloved reader?