How do you balance your work and personal life?

Most of the time it seems as if we are squeezing in the personal in between our work obligations, but sometimes it is the other way around – personal takes precedence. It’s been one of those weeks.

Between my granddaughter’s first day of summer and my elderly mum having some medical and legal issues to take care, there hasn’t been a lot of work going on this week.

And you know what? I have decided that rather than stressing about it, it’s OK.  I’m blessed to be self employed and having the flexibility to manage my time and my work; we are a 2 income family and I’m not the only one paying the bills, in fact my hubby’s biz is booming. I realize that not everyone has the luxury of taking the time to take care of family when the need is there, or if they do, may face serious financial and employment consequences. So I am feeling very grateful.

Grateful to have been able to spend the day with my seven-year-old granddaughter reliving that magical feeling of  the expansive freedom of the first day of summer vacation, enjoying her day of skateboarding, monkey bars, puzzles and an ice cream treat.

Grateful to spend this time with my mum, helping her though the hurdles of aging, knowing that at 88, it’s really an unknown much time we have left with her. 

Work will always be there, but there are only so many first days of summer vacation, and only so many days to walk the path with an aging parent.

Just like a seesaw, sometimes one side is up, and sometimes it’s down and rarely is it perfectly poised in the middle. And that seems to be the way of things.

So here is my advice on a summer afternoon – trust your heart to lead the way, and at the end of the day, you will find that right balance.

A Spring Update: More musing on caring for an aging parent

An afternoon outing on Spring Lake

 It’s hard to believe it’s been almost three months since my recently widowed 88 year old mum made the journey from England to live in a small care home near us here in Northern California.

We’ve been finding our rhythm, settling into some kind of routine, where she spends at least 2 weekday afternoons and evenings with us, and much of the weekends. Yesterday was the first time I took a much-needed break and took the whole Sunday to go sailing in Tomales Bay with my hubby –pure heaven!

A little role reversal, her turn to push

What have I learned in the past months? Well, for starters, that when you are caring for an elderly parent, as much as you love them, you will go through the whole range of emotions – from enjoyment of their company to exasperation, from affection to irritation, from gratification to overwhelm, from fondness to guilt, from love to helplessness and everything in between.

But the best part? To realize it is all OK.  The whole gamut. It’s just part of the deal.

I guess kind of like raising kids – you adore them, and sometimes they just drive you nuts. But then they are so cute you forgive them anything and fall in love with them all over again.  The main difference is there‘s not always as much of a cute factor at age 88, though my mum can be pretty darn cute.

Another big lesson – the importance of self-care; of tuning into my own well-being regularly enough so that I can recognize the early subtle signs of burnout and the need to take a break. The need to balance my needs and hers, to find the ever shifting sweet spot of the right amount of time together and time apart, to learn that there is only so much I can do for another’s happiness, to know my limits. To discover that I can stretch more than I thought I could, to seek and find support from my family and tribe, and most of all, to feel gratitude to have the opportunity to return the loving care that she gave to me, all those years ago.

Are you caring for an aging parent? I’d love to hear your experience!

Balance is bogus…

… states times management and productivity expert Rory Vaden in his book, Procrastinate on Purpose.

Well believe me, I had a hard time swallowing that one. I’ve always been all about life-work balance. It’s one of the big reasons I love being a self-employed entrepreneur – my time is my own to decide how to allocate it and I have always strived for that balance. 

So imagine my surprise when I read Vaden state that balance is an ineffectual strategy that should be avoided because it won’t bring us the results we want! It’s just an excuse for justifying why we aren’t getting the results we want in an area of our lives.

You mean all these years I’ve been happily balanced and yet ineffective? Pretty much, I have to admit. If you’ve been following my blog for a little while, you know what I mean.  (If you’d like to catch up, you might also enjoy reading this post).

Ok, deep breath. Let’s see what he has to say. If you take the notion of balance literally, it would mean that our time and energy would be equally apportioned across the numerous tasks that make up our days.

Success, claims Vaden, does NOT come from doing this, but rather from just the contrary – focusing our skills, financial resources, time or energy in one priority direction for a shorter period of time, or what he calls a “season,” which can also be described as “imbalance.”

Well, I must admit that makes sense. Look at nature. There is a season for everything. There is winter, where life’s energy and priorities are focused on regeneration and dormancy, followed by spring and the burst of growth and creation, the maturing expansive blossoming of summer and the abundant harvest of fall.

Now that I have had this period of focused “imbalance” – spending way more time and resources on my writing, blogging, and learning to navigate the intricacies of social media, I get what he says. I am starting to see the results that have previously eluded me.

And what started out as feeling imbalanced – getting up earlier than I would prefer, putting other projects on hold so I can devote time to this pursuit - has become the comfortable normal. 

So, I’m learning to embrace my season of focused imbalance, what Vaden refers to as “working double-time part-time for full-time free time.”

Because what I get is that working double-time part-time now is the path to full-time free time tomorrow.

So, esteemed reader – want to join me as we embrace imbalance so we can move closer to our dreams?

Walking with my mum – reflections on caring for an aging parent

Taking a walk with my 88-year-old mum is a rather slow process these days. There’s the walker, or the two walking sticks, and my arm for support. Yesterday she was having trouble with her eyes, so there’s the inevitable conversation about the damn glasses that keep slipping off her nose, or wearing the distance glasses vs. the reading glasses, or the sunglasses that are too dark, or the “when are we going to see the eye doctor”? question for the 26^th time.

So, I answer. Again. And again. And when she’s is one of those frustrated places I try to distract her with the flowers along the pavement, or the blue sky, or “What kind of tree do you think that is?”  Then we get in the car to wherever we are going, I turn the radio on to her favorite classical music station, and all is well.

But allow me to back track a bit. Up until about 8 months ago, my mum was a fairly independent woman. She lived with her husband of 35 years in a flat in a small English village, and with the nearby support of her wonderful stepchildren she and Graham managed along. Until she had a fall, and he fell ill, which led to a series of hospital and nursing home stays for both of them. In September, I went back to help settle them both in back in their flat with the help of 24 hour in-home care. Sadly, Graham’s illness soon took a serious turn for the worse, and just over a month ago, he passed away and I brought mum back to California to live. My husband and I had always imagined she would eventually live at home with us, but after much soul searching, we realized that her condition was too frail, and that she needed too much care, for that to work as we are both busy working and out of the house a lot. So I found her a sweet little care home, 20 minutes drive away, where she is safe and cared for.

The past 2 weeks since we have been back has been a process of helping her to settle in and adjust to the enormous changes –the loss of her husband, missing her step children and grandchildren, going from her own home to a strange new home, from a quiet English village to a busy California city.

So I remember all this when I have my impatient moments. And I take my hat off to her for her courage to make such a big change at this point in her life. For her love for her children, and grandchildren and great grand daughters that pulled her away from all that is familiar to start a new chapter of her life at age 88.

So we are learning the balance, between her needs and ours. I call her every morning, visit her most afternoons, bring her over for lunch, or tea or dinner. She joins us for family outings, and our dinner parties where she joins in the dinner table conversations with our friends.  This weekend, she celebrated my birthday with us at the beach. We rolled her in her wheelchair down the boardwalk, and she hummed a childhood song, and practiced her rhumba and waltz steps holding on to the wooden rails, and soaked in the warm California sunshine. She used to be the belle of the ball, my mum, back in the day in Guatemala at the Goodyear company parties – but that’s another story.

And so, we are learning a new dance, she and I.  The mother- daughter two step, the role reversal that has taken place, where I lead and she follows… or so it seems. But really, I realize, my job is to attune to her rhythm, to support her where she wants to go, to help her find her own song again, her own place in the midst of our crazy family tribe, and to realize how blessed I am to share this end phase of her life journey with her.

 

How to stay strong – at any age

I recently came across the book Strength for Life by Shawn Phillips, and as these things usually do, it came at the perfect moment in my life. That is, I was ready, and more than ready, actually eager – to hear his message. 

This quote from Shawn  pretty much sums up this book’s theme:

  "Your body, the only one you will ever have, is the foundation of your life. And it’s either an anchor limiting your freedom and potential or a source of radiant energy, vitality and joy, elevating your life and the lives of those around you. It’s your choice… will yours be a source of strength, from which you will impact the world, or an obstacle, preventing you from your dreams and desires?"

This really hit home. Watching my 86-year-old mum and her 92-year-old husband struggling with balance and strength, I realized that now, (better late than never, right?) in my early 60’s, is the time to lay the foundation for strength, posture and balance so that I can be a strong and  agile 80 and 90 year old!

Strength training

And so, in order to do that, I have had to push beyond my comfort zone -  I love walking and hiking and swimming in natural bodies of water – and actually set foot in – the dreaded gym!   Now, I’m certainly not saying that training on machines in a gym with a trainer is the only way to get strong and fit, but for me, it was certainly the missing piece.

Think you’re too old? 

If you’re in my age group or beyond, you may be thinking, what’s the point. I’m to old to start…..  However, as I learned from Shawn Phillips, “You’re never too old to gain strength. The Human Nutrition Center on Aging found muscle growth in people ranging from 60 to 96 years old was statistically equivalent to younger people doing the same amount of training with their bodies.”  My own experience in seeing the changes in my body after a few short months certainly supports this.

How strong are you?

And a final quote from Shawn: “How strong are you? How will you lift the world? How will you be a beacon of strength for others? These are the questions of utmost importance… Every one of us has a time limit to fulfill our destiny. Don’t be one who waits for the final buzzer to start to really live. Yesterday is a memory and tomorrow is a dream. Today is the day to make your mark—to make a difference.”

Take a peek at what this lovely 89 year old I met on a walk in Spring Lake  has to say about staying strong.  If you are having trouble viewing this video, click  here