The secret question that will carry you through the hard times

After a weeklong blog break, I’m back with #2 of Rory Vaden’s 7 strategies for self-discipline from his book, Taking the Stairs.  In case you missed my take on his first strategy, embracing the Pain Paradox, you can catch up here.

What happens when the going gets tough? 

We all come to those points in our lives, whether they are moments or extended periods, when things don’t go according to plan, our efforts don’t seem to be paying off, we just can't figure out how to go forward, it’s all uphill. We’ve all been there. And will most likely be there again, and again. It’s just part of life.

So the question is, what do we do when we hit the hard times?

When faced with challenge and difficulty, most of, explains Rory, start being unsure of what we are doing, start doubting our original commitment and asking ourselves the Should questions. “Should I carry on?” “Should I quit trying?” “Should I try something else?”

Herein lies the danger in this seemingly innocuous line of questioning: we convince ourselves we’re better off abandoning the challenge at hand, trying something new, and then end up right back where we started because let’s face it folks – the problem usually lies within us, not the situation.

So what is the secret key for success when navigating those decision points in our lives? It’s a simple shift from asking the “should” questions to asking the “how” questions, advises Rory.

So, instead of “Should I be doing this?” – which of course immediately give us a way out, we ask ourselves “How do I do this?”

The simple switch from “should” to “how” opens up a whole world of resources, creativity, hidden strengths and talents, that will all come to our aid and help us achieve so much more than we ever dreamed was possible.

So next time you are feeling challenged and hear yourself asking those “should” questions…. Take a breath, and then make a choice to ask a new question – and make sure it starts with the word “How”. You’ll be amazed at the power you unleash!

How to juggle multiple roles without going nuts

I’m of that generation that so many of us baby boomers find ourselves in – sandwiched between our roles as spouses, parents, grandparents and increasingly, caretakers for our own elderly parents, all while still actively pursuing our careers.

On some days, it can be crazy making. Not that my adult kids, thank goodness, need any parenting at this stage, as I am blessed that they are all self sufficient and independent, though unfortunately that is not the case for many of us, and wasn’t always that way for me.

It seems to me that the crazy making is not so much born of others’ demands on my time and attention, but rather on my own relationship to it all.  It’s about my own rather unrealistic and demanding desire to be there 100% for everyone in my life 100% of the time, and the reality is that there is more to attend to than there are available hours to do it in.

What to do then? I’m thinking back to Rory Vaden’s decision-making options – ignore, prioritize, delegate, postpone…. When you are a first-born and suffer from the Responsibility syndrome, (you know the one I mean?) it’s easy to get caught up in the compelling feeling that you have to do everything for everyone, perfectly, all the time. So it’s been really helpful to put these strategies that I usually apply to business decisions, to my personal life.

Ahh, just stepping back enough to realize I have choices brings relief. Asking myself these questions helps me to feel a sense of control over my life.

–      What can I scratch off my list?

–      What are my priorities?

–      What can I delegate to someone else? 

–      What can I postpone to a better time?

And let’s certainly not forget self-care. It’s all so easy to neglect when you are feeling pressured to take care of so many things, but it is so vital to make your own well-being a priority. Taking that hike. Having dinner with a girlfriend. Going to bed early. Meditating.

Are you in the sandwich generation dear reader? I’d love to hear your tricks for staying sane!

What if we just did the thing we didn’t feel like doing?

Ok world – ready or not, here I come. I’m embarking on a 7-week journey to implement Rory Vaden’s seven strategies for self-discipline from his book Taking the Stairs– would you like to join me?

When I found his book in my mailbox on the heels of my epiphany about my recent lack of self-discipline, I took it as an invitation to explore this topic and implement some needed changes.

His first step, Sacrifice: The Paradox Principle sounds about as appealing as the notion of self-discipline. Because let’s be real – we all prefer the easy way out, and the notion of sacrifice is well, daunting, right? And we all are naturally good at ignoring our problems until they come crashing down on our heads.

But let’s look a little deeper. When it comes to making choices, there’s usually two parts of us that are in direct conflict, explains Rory.  There’s the emotional part of our brain that drives us to make choices based on wanting to feel good now, and there’s the logical part of our brain that is evaluating what makes sense analytically.

It’s a tug of war, and all too often, the emotional side of us wins out. So what do successful people do that sets them apart?  As Rory goes on to explain, they embrace the Pain Paradox, and understand that “the short term easy leads to the long term difficult, while the short-term difficult leads to the long-term easy.

The paradox lies in the fact that what seems easy in the short term (choosing the couch over the hike or the gym, choosing the chips over the carrots, zoning out in front of the TV instead of taking that webinar, you know the ones), ends up creating a life that is all but easy as our health deteriorates, and our dreams fade into the distance.

The good news? Often the seemingly harder choices are only necessary for a short period of time. I’m not talking about a lifetime of abnegation and sacrifice here. Just some short term choices to put in the time, make the not so easy choices, so we can live the life we want tomorrow. 

So here is Rory’s call to action for this week:  “Create a clear picture of what you want in the long run and you will find that your endurance for pain and strife, discipline and hard work will naturally increase to levels you never thought you had. A new world will open up for you – a world where you can have anything you want… as long as you commit.”

Ready?  Here’s a little inspiration from Rory. https://youtu.be/dq4WsSiOAR4

Self-discipline: An old fashioned virtue for modern times

I was driving around yesterday, trying to get a handle on this annoying experience of irritability that has been plaguing me for the last few weeks.

Ever have that?  Just feeling plain ol’ cranky for no apparent good reason?

And then it dawned on me what was going on behind the scenes. I heard myself say to myself – “Julie, you’re slipping on the self-discipline front.”

Yes, it’s true. I admit it. The thing is, it’s all those small, seemingly insignificant moments, those decision points, where I realized I have been taking the easy way out. Missing a blog post or 2 a week. Not getting around to my daily hikes. Not eating my veggies. I know – by themselves, they don’t seem like that big of a deal. However, they add up. Not only to the success of my long-term goals, my long-term health and well being, but just as importantly, to my self esteem.

Don’t get me wrong; I had lot of good reasons. I wasn’t feeling well. I needed a break. I’d do it tomorrow.

So, was that telemarketer even more obnoxious than usual?  Was my mum being particularly annoying? Was that doctor I was interpreting for being especially passive-aggressive?

Probably not. All along, it was me I was ticked off with. Imagine that! Because I haven’t been being true to what I know I should be doing. I know, should is a bad word these days.  I don’t really like it most of the time, especially if it is directed at one person by another –as in  “You should….”.  Who likes that?

But in terms of its original meaning of ‘obligation’ – a self-imposed commitment, undertaken because we recognize that doing X will lead to desired outcome Y, then should is good in my book.

So, as always, life works in magical ways. Humbled by my roadside epiphany as to the source of my recent irritability, I arrive home to find Rory Vaden’s book, Taking the Stairs, in my mailbox.  

I open it up randomly and read this definition of self-discipline: “The ability to take action regardless of your emotional state, financial state, or physical state.”

OK universe, I get the message. Stay tuned as I implement Vaden’s seven strategies for self-discipline – want to join me?

Your dream matters – Protect it!

Phew, I’ve finally worked my way all the way through Rory Vaden’s Procrastinate on Purpose. It’s been a fascinating journey of self-discovery, as I have honed in on what really speaks to me in each chapter so I can put it into practice in my own life and share my insights with you.

His framework of what he refers to as a  “Focus funnel,” with 5 permissions (Ignore, Invest, Imperfect, Incomplete and Protect) and their 5 corresponding choices (Eliminate, Automate, Delegate, Procrastinate and Concentrate) is an incredibly helpful structure for examining the choices we make with our time and attention every waking minute of our lives.

I like the image of a funnel – wide at the top and narrow at the bottom – it’s a great visual for picturing the literally thousands and thousands of items competing for our attention at any given moment – tasks, information, demands, priorities, agendas, (our own and others’), swirling around our heads, each screaming “Me! Me! Me!”

How do we ever figure out what the heck to pay attention to amidst this overwhelming ocean of possibilities?

Well, as I’ve learned from reading this book, far too often we pay attention to what is screaming the loudest, what Vaden calls the “tyranny of the urgent.”

We cave in to other people’s ideas of what we should be doing, and ignore what really, truly matters.

For a variety of noble reasons – we don’t want to let people down, we don’t want to seem selfish, we want to be team players, and on and on… we over commit, we agree to do things that aren’t really right for us, we end up spending our precious hours and days in the service of… everything except what is truly Significant.

And what is that?  I share Vaden’s belief that we are put on this earth to do something that nobody else can do – to fulfill our unique purpose that is ours and ours alone to complete. 

But how can we do that if we are constantly spending our time serving other’s people’s needs?

Hence, the need to Protect, fiercely protect, mama bear kind of protect, our time and out attention. So we can concentrate on what matters.

Here’s the question Vaden proposes we continually ask ourselves:

“Is what I’m doing right now the most significant use of my time?”

In other words, is this task moving me towards my greatest contribution to the world? Is it allowing me to be my highest and best self?

If not, the answer is clear. Not always easy, but clear.

Stop doing the little things for now, so you can concentrate on the big ones. Protect your Priority.

So dear reader, here’s Vaden’s question for you today: ”What do you need to give yourself permission to concentrate on?”

Patience...A Forgotten Virtue

On the path to kick procrastination in the butt, Rory Vaden has asked us to answer three important questions.

In the Eliminate stage, it was, “Is this task something I can live without?”

In the Automate stage, it was “Can this task be systematized?”

In the Delegate stage, it was “Can this task be performed by someone else?”

If the answer to those three questions is No, then guess what?  It’s our turn to do something!

But before we jump head first into the task, there is an essential element to consider.

Timing.

Finally, the title of Vaden’s book, Procrastinate on Purpose, starts to makes sense.

Seems counterintuitive, uncomfortable even, but he is challenging us to… wait.

What? Wait?  I thought we didn’t want to procrastinate!

Turns out there is a big difference between avoiding something because it is uncomfortable to do it (procrastinating), and deliberately postponing something because it is not actually the right time to do it (being patient).

Hence, Procrastinating on Purpose. 

Turns out many great minds are on the same page when it comes to patience and timing:

“Patience is power. Patience is not an absence of action; rather it is "timing;"

it waits on the right time to act, for the right principles and in the right way.”

​​​​​​~Fulton J. Sheen

“The right thing at the wrong time is the wrong thing.”

​​​​​~Joshua Harris

Or my favorite:

“The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.”

​​​​​~Willie Nelson

Patience… sadly lacking in today’s climate of rush, rush, rush.

Patience gives us time to pause, to think, to breathe, to allow what is truly important to rise to the surface, for external conditions to become clear, for our own priorities to become clear.

Patience gives us room to breathe, so we are not madly sprinting from urgent task to urgent task, but instead taking stock of what is truly important, so that when we do take action, we do so in alignment with our spirit. We can be fully present to the task at hand, knowing that we are indeed doing the right thing at the right time, for the right reasons.