How to juggle multiple roles without going nuts

I’m of that generation that so many of us baby boomers find ourselves in – sandwiched between our roles as spouses, parents, grandparents and increasingly, caretakers for our own elderly parents, all while still actively pursuing our careers.

On some days, it can be crazy making. Not that my adult kids, thank goodness, need any parenting at this stage, as I am blessed that they are all self sufficient and independent, though unfortunately that is not the case for many of us, and wasn’t always that way for me.

It seems to me that the crazy making is not so much born of others’ demands on my time and attention, but rather on my own relationship to it all.  It’s about my own rather unrealistic and demanding desire to be there 100% for everyone in my life 100% of the time, and the reality is that there is more to attend to than there are available hours to do it in.

What to do then? I’m thinking back to Rory Vaden’s decision-making options – ignore, prioritize, delegate, postpone…. When you are a first-born and suffer from the Responsibility syndrome, (you know the one I mean?) it’s easy to get caught up in the compelling feeling that you have to do everything for everyone, perfectly, all the time. So it’s been really helpful to put these strategies that I usually apply to business decisions, to my personal life.

Ahh, just stepping back enough to realize I have choices brings relief. Asking myself these questions helps me to feel a sense of control over my life.

–      What can I scratch off my list?

–      What are my priorities?

–      What can I delegate to someone else? 

–      What can I postpone to a better time?

And let’s certainly not forget self-care. It’s all so easy to neglect when you are feeling pressured to take care of so many things, but it is so vital to make your own well-being a priority. Taking that hike. Having dinner with a girlfriend. Going to bed early. Meditating.

Are you in the sandwich generation dear reader? I’d love to hear your tricks for staying sane!

A Spring Update: More musing on caring for an aging parent

An afternoon outing on Spring Lake

 It’s hard to believe it’s been almost three months since my recently widowed 88 year old mum made the journey from England to live in a small care home near us here in Northern California.

We’ve been finding our rhythm, settling into some kind of routine, where she spends at least 2 weekday afternoons and evenings with us, and much of the weekends. Yesterday was the first time I took a much-needed break and took the whole Sunday to go sailing in Tomales Bay with my hubby –pure heaven!

A little role reversal, her turn to push

What have I learned in the past months? Well, for starters, that when you are caring for an elderly parent, as much as you love them, you will go through the whole range of emotions – from enjoyment of their company to exasperation, from affection to irritation, from gratification to overwhelm, from fondness to guilt, from love to helplessness and everything in between.

But the best part? To realize it is all OK.  The whole gamut. It’s just part of the deal.

I guess kind of like raising kids – you adore them, and sometimes they just drive you nuts. But then they are so cute you forgive them anything and fall in love with them all over again.  The main difference is there‘s not always as much of a cute factor at age 88, though my mum can be pretty darn cute.

Another big lesson – the importance of self-care; of tuning into my own well-being regularly enough so that I can recognize the early subtle signs of burnout and the need to take a break. The need to balance my needs and hers, to find the ever shifting sweet spot of the right amount of time together and time apart, to learn that there is only so much I can do for another’s happiness, to know my limits. To discover that I can stretch more than I thought I could, to seek and find support from my family and tribe, and most of all, to feel gratitude to have the opportunity to return the loving care that she gave to me, all those years ago.

Are you caring for an aging parent? I’d love to hear your experience!