How to say No gracefully.

Before we can feel comfortable saying No, it’s a good idea to be clear that we know we want to say No. 

Next time someone asks you to do something, try following these steps:

1. Take a breath to give yourself time to check in with yourself.
2. Tune in to your body’s reaction to the request– do you feel open and expansive, or can you feel yourself tensing up? Often our body is sending us a clear message about our real feelings, but if we don’t take the time to tune in, we might miss it.
3. Ask yourself- do I really want to do this?
4. If I say Yes to this, what am I saying No to?
5. Is saying Yes to this, in alignment with my values, goals and priorities?

If the answer is Yes, then by all means say Yes and jump in wholeheartedly.

If the answer is No, however, how do we say it in a way that honors our own boundaries, as well as being respectful to the person making the request?

When faced with a request for our time that we don’t want to say Yes to, we could just say No – but that is often rather rude, or at the very least abrupt and may well cause hurt feelings.

Another option many of us default to (and I have to plead guilty here too) is to make an excuse, or tell a white lie. We’ve all been there, right?

The problem with this response is, it’s simply not true, and telling a lie makes us feel yucky.  We always have time, I mean we all have the same 24 hours in a day, but the truth is, we’d prefer to do something else with our time.

I heard an episode of Marie Forleo TV recently, in which she was interviewing author and speaker Bob Burg. I just loved his suggestion for saying No gracefully.

“Thank you so much for asking; while it’s not something I’d like to do, please know how honored I am to be asked.”

What I like about using this phrase, or something similar, is that it not only honors the person asking, it is also honest and respectful of our own values and priorities. 

Bob suggests customizing this template in your own words, and rehearsing it ahead of time, so you feel comfortable saying it when you are put on the spot.

Please let me know how it goes!

When Yes means No, and No means Yes.

As someone who is prone to saying yes far too often, I’ve been thinking about this whole Yes, No thing.

The truth is, I would bet that most of us are actually terrified of saying No.  I was. I still am, truth be told.

It goes against our desire to please others, to make everyone happy. We don’t want to be rude. We are afraid of conflict. We are afraid no one will love us anymore. There are so many reasons it is so hard to utter this one little word. 

So, all too often, we say Yes, when we really mean No.

And is that a full-hearted, I’m totally in, all hands on deck, kind of Yes?

Frequently not, says Rory Vaden, my new favorite anti-procrastination guru. It’s actually often a reluctant, unenthusiastic, uncommitted, half-hearted kind of Yes. Which really means it’s actually a Maybe.

Maybe I’ll get around to doing this thing I said I would do but don’t really want to do. Or maybe I’ll do it in a half assed kind of way, resenting it every step of the way. Or maybe I won’t even get around to it all.

Because that reluctant, martyred Yes, my friend, was not a real Yes.

And you know what else?

Every time we say Yes, we are actually saying No to something else.  Right?  If I do X, then I can’t do Y. If I volunteer for Z, I won’t have time for working on something else. Something else that might actually be far more important to me. Something that is actually moving me in the direction of my goals. Something I am passionate about.

But what if I just say No?  Not a reluctant “Ok, I’ll do it.” Not a half-hearted “Sure.” Not an unenthusiastic, “Well, I guess so.”  Just “No.”

Well then, a whole world opens up. I am now free to say Yes to that which my heart really wants to do. I can Yes to that quiet song that is singing to me. I can say Yes to what will set me free.

And the other thing?  We free up the person asking us to say Yes, to  find someone who really will say Yes.  So we help them to find what they really need. And that means someone else, who really did want to say Yes to that request, gets to say Yes. It’s really a Win-Win!

 Still scared of saying No? Tune in tomorrow and I’ll share some ideas on how to say No with grace (and without guilt).